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Winter 01/02


Hello again. The good news is we've had a good month for buying rubbish, and trawling through the mountains of utter rubbish we have already got. The result - a new and fairly sexy run of listening oddities that would charm the pants off a Portsmouth whore. Last time I went to Portsmouth I nearly got beaten up by teenagers. And someone drove past me at speed and shouted "Arsehole".

MONSTER ZERO: I do not have a telly so recently I have been listening to Godzilla LPs. And I can't recommend them enough. Monster Zero is one of the more stupid ones, set in Space. As usual with a Godzilla LP, there are two LPs and the whole film is committed to vinyl. You nearly always get a book you can't read as well. Please note the ridiculous bouncing Godzilla imagery and sexy chick in a spacesuit.

BEATLES ARIAS: These are sung by Cathy Berberian, an avant garde warbler of some note. Her husband was that bloke Berio, you know the avant garde composer of some other note. Anyway, here she is singing all your fave Beatles numbers as a soprano, with a small quintet as backing. Even my mother laughed when she came round for tea.

Even Cathy Berberian knows There's one roulade she can't sing
Dumb luck my friend Won't suck me in this time

FRANKLY FIONA: A serious pink stab at music making by sex star and former love interest of Paul Raymond. Find this LP if you can because musically it is most entertaining. It's so good I may have even mentioned it on the site before at least once. Never with a picture though. You lucky people.

PHIL HARRIS: This guy played Baloo in Disney's Jungle Book. And consequently, everything sung here sounds like it's by the big bear. I quite like it. And lets face it, anyone who sings "Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette" is worth listening to for a bit.


SOUND OF FEELING: This bloody "Spleen" LP took me bloody ages to get hold of. Now I have two sound of feeling LPs and there are whispers that there may be a third. If anyone knows, please let us know. Anyway, quite a good record for a pair of evil twins. Some people call this "soft psyche", but I don't reckon it is. It's jazz.

DROUYN: I mentioned this last time because it's a film about a surfer and I wanted to know more about the surfer. Now I know more. Drouyn was indeed a world class surfing rich kid who took far to many drugs for his own good and lost it all. I also discovered that my mate Scotty from Byron slept on his Sofa bed...isn't that bananas.

OILING BOILING: I recommend you go and buy this from your local shop. It's on a groovy label called Jazz Pu who seem to be reissuing most of the wacked out music from Finland made in the the late 60s and 70s. This is no exception. Killer drums (he's a drummer with his own drum school) with like synthy vocals over the top. "Fasten your seatbelts" is one of the lines he uses. This is great.

VINCE HILL - THE SINGER AND THE SONG: Not any old Vince Hill Lp you know. This one has a groovy version of Waterloo Sunset in an uncharacteristically jazz stylee. In the cover photo I think he's moving swiftly through an Elvis phase. Hey, nice cravat Vince. Did he ever get his own TV show like what Val did? Did he maybe get a Christmas special? Who really gives a shit eh?

AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW: This is buy Keith Harris and Orville - and Cuddles the ugly bastad of a monkey. When I bought this I was wearing a Cliff Richard Celebrity Tennis Tournament T shirt. The nice lady asked if I liked Cliff and I said no. She then asked if I liked Keith and Orville. I said no. I gave her 50p and told her that I really hated Keith and Orville and I was going to put the LP on a website and then ask Derek to try and abuse (tastefully) as a piece of new art. She seemed quite pleased. So it's all yours Derek.

AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW: This is buy Keith Harris and Orville - and Cuddles the ugly bastad of a monkey. When I bought this I was wearing a Cliff Richard Celebrity Tennis Tournament T shirt. The nice lady asked if I liked Cliff and I said no. She then asked if I liked Keith and Orville. I said no. I gave her 50p and told her that I really hated Keith and Orville and I was going to put the LP on a website and then ask Derek to try and abuse (tastefully) as a piece of new art. She seemed quite pleased. So it's all yours Derek.


THE KING SINGERS: This one turns up quite a lot and it is superb (there are chess pieces on the front cover). Not only do the King Singers look cool but their version of a Taste of Honey is extremely super. I love the King Singers. This whole LP is definitely worth the £1 you may have to pay. Incidentally, the Brixton kid is trying to sell it on his "hip" list for about £30. DO NOT buy it for this kind of silly money.

A NIGHT WITH NICOLE: Gasp, slurp gasp and pant goes Nicole. Tinlkly winkly winkly tinkle goes the musak. Interesting LP, great cover. As usual Nicole is not the one shown on the front, she is the slightly curvier one with bigger bones on the back.

LYN CHRISTOPHER: I listen to this record because I fancy Lyn desperately. Incidentally, her backing singers include Gene Simmons from Kiss and we all know what a big tongue he has. Wonder if he stuck it anywhere near Lyn.

JAZZERCISE: This is bananas. Popular and less popular tracks with jazz aerobics over the top. Like Cash wash and the Girl from Ipanema. "You might not ever get left rich right and up sure is and left better right stretch left than digging a that's it your beautiful ditch". And on it goes, like that. I don't think it was suppoosed to be as funny as it is.

CHIGLEY AND TRUMPTON: We all know the records but here's one I had never seen before. A White cover on both sides, with big cut out pictures of all the cast from both shows on both sides. And I am not listening to this for nostalgic reasons. I'll have you know that Freddy Phillips is keen on playing children challenging odd music. I have no children but I do get mistaken for one. And I think some of his themes are superb. There's like a weird Spanish thing going on and folk too. So this can be the folk LP for this month.

CINEMAGIC SOUNDS: There's always something new about if you look hard enough. And there it was for me, in Southend. A funny film cover versions LP, but this one I had never ever ever ever seen before. And it's got the theme to "Take the Money and Run" on it which to me is now priceless. All sorts of lovely things can happen to you as long as you put the effort in and go to Essex. What shit?


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